Lawnmowers are one of those quintessentially middle-American bits of, well, Americana. Every weekend, large rural houses should have a riding lawnmower being ridden by a guy with a baseball hat and a frosty beverage stuck firmly between his legs. The lawn gets a good trim, said beverage keeps the user hydrated and cicadas provide a soothing backdrop. Ah.

Riding mowers are the grass mutilators of choice for larger yards, sporting arenas and those with more of a sense of awesomeness. They might not be the most environmentally friendly, but ease of use, cushioned seating and a 4 speed throttle more than make up for a few pesky greenhouse gasses. John Deere is the standard tractor/mower brand, although Ariens lawn tractors are sleek, shiny and a little more affordable.

The alternatives to riding mowers are… less than ideal. The truly green choice, a push mower, requires manual strength to rotate the blades. Add this large, awkwardly spinning bladed contraption to that uphill push and a nice, hundred-plus heat wave? That is no fun at all. Now the slightly less green alternative, an electric lawnmower, requires batteries (toxic and and a hassle to recycle) or long extension cords (get tangled and caught in the blades) for power. They also tend to be a little weaker than the gas-powered versions. Gas powered mowers are less environmentally friendly (combustion engines), but are the most powerful of the smaller mowers. The biggest problem with all these mowers? You still have to push them. That’s right, no reclining, no low speed squirrel chasing, no beverage holders, and a bunch of pesky exercise. For larger yards, get a rider. And some cutoffs and a trucker cap.

The author, Frank, is getting ready for the 4^th of July. ‘Merica.